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Jacob John Steel Borell
June 16, 1994
Last Visit: 1 week ago
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I seem to question recently ... What purpose these feelings have been for... The empathy- the deep feeling of remorse for everyone's problems around me... I can sense it- I can feel everything... The bike rides that used to make me happy... - I ride for an hour a day.. at least... today I've got about seventy minutes... but... it's been so somber... it's been .. an angry push up the hill... feeling all the pain in my legs.. shouting at me to stop.. but I push on... I push on... but when I reach the top... I descend from the hill in tears... the pain piercing my soul so relentlessly... The feelings... When I look into my mothers eyes... I see the struggle- the pressure that is baring down upon her at every moment she is awake- working long hours... mandatory overtime at the factory... trying so very hard to keep my sister and me smiling... she's growing up with no visible connectors in her life- much like me... that feeling that you get when your parents turn... they look at you- and they ask you... who would you rather live with...... when you love them both so much... and they give nothing to each other... and when you realize you can't keep them together... they hate each other to the point that they will never show you that love that once existed- the love that made them what brought you into the world... and.. the places me... my sister... my brother... the place our family grew up with... soon enough the house will be taken away... thirty days they said- ... I grew up here... It's gone... It's all going so quickly.... . and I'm forced to work... I have to work off my debt... my constantly growing debt that I get pursuing a dream that I will never fulfill... my heart... was never a beautiful thing... my body was never good enough- and my face ... so strange.... so... so very lifeless... not ever pretty enough to be comforted by those around me..... not qualified enough in this world to be loved... I've been so weak through it all... I've been so very weak.. .. I had something to cling to once... but it is all gone now... I brutally beat that which held me to the ground.. and I'm drifting away into the sky... away from the ground.. quickly... - I drown myself... in liquor... even weed... things I never believed I would give into... I would tell myself... my heart... it can pull through all of this... - I'd think of the ones who made it glow.. the few who seemed to care for me..... but it was all lies... the friends who had left... my heart... it was picked up and dropped several times now... the security that I have felt previously... I have abandoned it... or it has abandoned me... I can no longer tell... I can hardly stop feeling anymore... everything is so painful... I have to stop eventually... it all has to stop eventually... nobody is kind enough to end it for me... nobody is kind enough to stop all of my pain... no one in my family can see the torment just under the surface... building exponentially into an uncontainable cloud of depression that chokes and gags me as it fills my lungs and stops breath from escaping the confines which enclose it to transfer it to something useable by my pitiful body... I've choked coughed and cried alone in my room... alone in the kitchen... on the front steps of this house... this house... . .. All I want from this world- is someone to hug... someone to tell me that everything is alright as they rock me and I rock them- ever so gently into the night hours-.. .. someone whom I can cry into... someone to soak up the tears... someone to share the warmth of my slowly decaying heart- ... And I've seen beauty enough to blind me... in people that are taunted behind their backs... in people that are teased and called names... people who were harassed.. people who have cut- ... people who have bled for their loneliness... people who have bled for how they feel that they look... I'm so close to drawing the blade on myself... I'm so close to the edge of the bridge... the water is murky.. and the blade is rusty... the heart still now- the air so frigid- so crude... this life on earth... A single word from me I will speak right now... I need help... softly so... to myself at least... in this room.. .. . I need help.... . .. .. .
Favorite visual artistLeonardo di ser Piero da VinciFavorite moviesThey LiveFavorite bands / musical artistsThe Suicide Machines, Against Me!, Star Fucking Hipsters, and NoFX of course..Favorite writersEdgar Allan PoeFavorite gamesJet Grind Radio, Elder Scrolls Series, Fallout Series.Favorite gaming platformDreamcastOther InterestsMusic, I play Guitar and Piano. And I sing while I'm playing..